My Adoption Story - 1

 

Why Adoption?

When we decided to proceed with the adoption process, we spent a lot of time discussing why I wanted to adopt and, why I was so determined to adopt. It wasn't something I had thought about in-depth and so there were a lot of questions that I didn't think I had answers to:

1. Why did I want to adopt?
2. Where did the idea come from?
3. Had I considered other ways to become a parent?
4. Did I understand what I was getting into?
5. Did I consider anyone else's thoughts on this?

Reflecting on these questions really gave me food for thought. All I can say is that I had this inbuilt impulse that adoption was definitely for me and that I would somehow succeed in adopting a child. I had long chats with my mum, who remembers me as a young teenager, about adoption being something I wanted to do, but she kind of brushed it off as a typical teenage fleeting idea. Then, we never really discussed it again until much further along in my journey.

I remember seeing news images of Eastern European orphanages on the TV when I was young and feeling an immense sense of sadness for these poor children left without parents and in such horrid conditions. Perhaps that had an influence on me. Who knows.

Living in China for more than ten years, I spent a lot of time googling and reading about adoption and learning about countries that allowed LGBT people to adopt internationally as well as learning about the adoption process in the UK. Much of the information was scaremongering and off-putting, but I read on and learned more and more.  Fewer and fewer international countries were allowing LGBT people to adopt internationally, which was rather disheartening. I think because I was fairly settled living in China, international adoption was where I began my research into options.

I'm not someone for setting robust life goals and then freaking out if I don't make those goals, but I do like to sort of plan out the things I would like to achieve, do or have by a certain age. And I had ingrained it in my mind that I would like to be a dad by 40! I was living life to the fullest in China, travelling all over East and South East Asia for work, partying, and generally having the time of my life. 40 seemed far enough away to allow me to have a goal but far enough away not to deal with it just yet. 

By 2012, I was 33 and life in China had changed; many friends had left, and I started to think about moving home and settling down. As Much as I had looked at flights home, I was reluctant to take the plunge. I needed to find a job and a place to live, sort out my partner's visa and then look into adoption from within the UK. By this time, I hadn't found any countries that were allowing LGBT people to adopt, so if I was going to do this, then it was going to be a child or children from within the UK.

I also thought a lot about the questions above and how I would answer them if ever asked. 

1. Why did I want to adopt? 

This one was easy. I longed to be a dad, have a child/ children and provide them with a loving home and lots of happiness growing up. It felt natural to want to be a parent. Being gay meant that my options were limited and I didn't feel comfortable with surrogacy as I didn't want any ties to birth mums, plus I didn't want to ask a friend to carry for me. 

2. Where did the idea come from?

To be honest, I don't think I will ever be able to answer this question other than it came from a combination of information, TV and media, thoughts and feelings as I grew up and realised I was gay, and that it just felt the right route for me to take. 

I didn't know anyone growing up who had been adopted, or maybe I did, but during the 80s and 90s, it wasn't really as openly talked about, as with many things at the time. I had a clear idea that I didn't need to bring another child into the world when there were already so many children growing up in challenging circumstances who needed genuine love and a happy home. 

3. Had I considered other ways to become a parent?

While in China and reading about how LGBT people typically had families, I researched and considered adoption and surrogacy mostly, as these are the most documented. From the outset, the idea of surrogacy just didn't really appeal to me and so it wasn't an option I pursued or researched for long. 

Adoption felt like the right option fairly early on and it was fairly easy to confirm that when the time was right, it would be adoption that would be explored further. 

4. Did I understand what I was getting into?

Absolutely no way I fully understood what I was getting into, what the process would entail, how long it might take, what the risks and challenges would be, and how it would be an absolute emotional roller coaster.  I was more focused on the end goal of becoming a parent and just approached adoption with the mindset that I would just get through the stages and then become a dad. 

I was raised to believe if someone else can do it, then so can you - all it takes is hard work and grave determination. I know that is not 100% true, but it was a mindset my mum instilled in me as a child to ensure that I never felt incapable or that someone was better than me. It has given me the strength and willpower to do so much in my life to date, and I hope it's something I can instil in Ryan.

What I had read and researched to date was so stratified in its position and at the very extremes, that it was often off-putting, terrifying and to some extent unbelievable. 

5. Did I consider anyone else's thoughts on this?

Being an only child, I have always been comfortable making decisions for myself. I have always been fairly steadfast and strong-willed, and so deep down, I knew that I would embark on the adoption process and journey and face my fate. I hadn't really discussed it much with friends as I didn't want anyone to try and put me off. Of course, I discussed it with my partner, who was pro-adoption but lacked information and knowledge and, therefore, was a little apprehensive. 

Beginning the Process

I moved back to the UK from China in 2013, and my partner finally got to the UK in 2014. We spent several years working hard, enjoying our new life, catching up with friends and coasting along. It wasn't until late 2016, after we managed to buy our first house in the UK that I had the idea of adoption once again crept into the forefront of my mind and I began to make contact with a range of organisations that help with adoption and this is where the journey really did start. 

I'd love to hear from you in the comments any details of your own adoption journey, or parenting journey and I would be happy to answer any questions you may have so please feel free to reach out. If you've just stumbled across this blog then feel free to learn more about me and hopefully you like what you read and you'll subscribe or follow me on socials